This song began its life as a lab song describing the windowless, hopeless, depressing life in my dank laboratory. It was only recently that I realized that most, if not all PhD students would be able to relate to my experiences, except perhaps the Vitamin D deficiency caused by living in a windowless lab. There's even an audio version of this around but I keep tight control of it, since hearing my singing would equate to torture and we all know torture was outlawed by the Geneva Convention.

 Without further delay, here it is in all its glory, the PhD Blues(C)

The PhD Blues
(sung to the tune of “Folsom Prison Blues”)*

I see the deadlines comin’
They’re rollin’ round the bend
and I ain’t seen the sunshine since I don’t know when
I’m stuck in postgrad study, and time keeps draggin’ on
But those deadlines keep a comin’, on down to separation

When I was just a newbie, my Prof he told me son
Always be a good boy and don’t ever fail a one
But I set a tough assignment, just to watch hope die
When I hear the complaints comin’ I hang my head and cry

Well I bet there’s workers’ dining in a fancy cocktail bar
They’re probably drinking Bacardi, and smoking big cigars
Well I know I had it coming, I know I can’t be free
But those people keep a earnin’
and that’s what tortures me…

Well if they’d free me from this project
If that PhD was mine
I bet I’d move away from Ramen noodles all the time
Far from postgad study, that’s where I want to stay
And I’d let financial freedom, blow my blues away…

* With apologies to Mr. Johnny Cash

Formula for a typical New Years Resolution - Set impossible goal. Change absolutely nothing, expect miraculous results. Somehow convince oneself that a resolution made for the New Year will somehow succeed where all other attempts have failed.

Inevitable Result - failure, disappointment and the generation of a sweepstakes in your lab for people to bet on how long it takes you to fall back into old habits.

Let's take a look at the evidence shall we? How many students have said "I will get my thesis finished this year", or "I'm going to really buckle down this year" or similar? How many students do you see the next week on their 12th coffee break of the day or visiting PhDcomics.com or playing Skittle Soccer (TM)? If New Years Resolutions really worked we'd have PhD's and Masters degrees being awarded left right and center. Instead, inevitably you will work feverishly for a few days or weeks and then fall back into old habits, curse your lack of willpower and then... you guessed it, promise yourself it will be different next year.

My favorite way to avoid the almost inevitable heartache of a broken resolution?  Make a ridiculously easily achievable New Years Resolution.  Personally I prefer one that requires absolutely no effort on my part. I've given some suggestions below along with an explanation of their nefarious genius.

1. "I will no longer get into work at 10am" - Brilliant because it is so open ended that you succeed if you don't show up until 11.
2. "I will no longer waste time printing articles that I don't need"  - This is extra brilliant because I can still laboriously print plenty of articles that I do need and my resolution puts no obligation on me to actually read them
3. "Before I eat anything sweet or calorie laden I promise to think 'Do I really need this?' " - And then I will decide "yes, yes I do".
4. "I will no longer continually check my email just to avoid working on my thesis" - Instead I'll justify checking my email as exercise for my typing fingers.
5. "I will no longer write poorly constructed and barely thought out sections of my thesis just to make me feel productive" - I'll type them instead.

You get the idea... With just a little bit of thought you can set up 2007 to be a successful year where you revel in your stoic adherence to your resolution whilst all around you students crumble under the pressure (and you make a killing in the resolution lab sweepstakes!).

Enjoy! And who knows, maybe next time I'll post the rules of Skittle Soccer. Although I always was more of a fan of MintieBall or the ever-amusing M&M Tennis...

Ah the new year... time for rebirth, change, opportunity and optimism. Yeah right!

It's now been four hours since I started work for 2007 and I have achieved (drum roll please...) ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. Nothing, nada, zip. In fact, I think I've achieved less than nothing. Yes, somehow in four hours my thesis progress has actually gone backwards. Time to face one of the realities of postgraduate life. The New Year sucks.

This is now the fourth new year I've faced as a postgrad and they have universally sucked. Inactivity does not begin to describe the negative thesis progress that can occur at this time. Why is this so? What makes the new year so bad for effective thesis work? It's because nothing ever changes. I walk into my office and the same stack of articles await me, the same chapter mocks me with its incompleteness, the same mouldy coffee cup threatens me with unsanitary diseases not seen since medieval times.

This is the true horror of the new year. We humans always find ourselves saying "next year will be better". It's just human nature, somehow we think that there's something magical about the new year that will miraculously energize us and make all our troubles go away. Then reality gets in the way. Damn reality, always getting in the way of my delusions... No matter how many times the new year rolls around I still think that two weeks away from work, stuffing myself full of Christmas goodies and occasionally waking up before 1pm will get me in the mood for a new period of productivity.

Yes, this is my miraculous plan for re-energizing the thesis. Put on a couple of kilo's, stuff up my sleeping patterns, punish my liver with copious amounts of alcohol and sit on my ass for two weeks. I'm a genius.

What can be done to combat the crushing despair of the new year? That's for another post. In the meantime I'm breaking the emergency glass on my patented "super-dooper never-fail crappy thesis day cure"(TM). I'm going back to bed.

Now how's that for a Happy New Year post :)

Ok, let's cue the mission impossible music, today we're going to talk about avoiding one of the easiest ways to fall into the vortex of inactivity, the coffee break. See last weeks post if you haven't encountered this magnificent time waster. And, if you haven't encountered this phenomena before, try to get out of your office more, the pasty nerd look is never in fashion ok?

So, you've realized that you're stuck in a merry-go-round of coffee breaks. Caffeine's sweet siren's call and the promise of time away from the thesis have overwhelmed your willpower. Welcome to my world. Now what are you to do about this nefarious time wasting? Let's look at the top ten ways to avoid losing time to the coffee break.

1. Just say no - Hahahahahahahaha, I made a funny. No really, let's try some realistic solutions shall we?
2. Give up the caffeine addiction, learn to work without the stimulant, move to decaf or any other solution involving letting go of sweet lady java - Sorry, I'll get serious I promise. I tried to give up the black stuff and lasted all of half a day. And that half a day of caffeine withdrawal was the worst time of my PhD life. It would have scarred me forever if I hadn't repressed the memory. Now let us never speak of this again.
3. Give up friends and acquaintances, become a social hermit - Whilst this will solve the coffee break problem, it leads to a common research student disease known as reclusiva badhygeina in which the student, having locked themselves in a lab for twelve hours a day without human contact, begins to resemble Gollum from Lord of the Rings. In addition, the student develops an almost vampiric aversion to sunlight and the personal hygiene habits of a redneck who's decided to "really let themselves go". Now admittedly my coffee addiction occasionally leads me to cradle a cup whilst muttering "my precious", but at least my personal hygiene is acceptable. Well, for a student at least...
4. Ration your coffee breaks per day - Sounds like the obvious solution right? I thought so too but this trap is deeper than you can imagine. If you cut back on coffee breaks you will notice an inverse relationship with the length of the coffee breaks you do take. Take five coffee breaks in a day and they might take 20 minutes each, 3 and you're looking at a good 45 minutes each. Cut back all the way to one and well... let's just say that was embarrassing for all concerned.
5. Get a coffee machine for the lab - Sounds fantastic right? Aside from the practical difficulties of convincing tech staff and supervisors that this is a good idea/doesn't violate OH&S standards, this just doesn't work. Why? Because the instant you get a coffee machine is the instant the whole lab realizes that they really like whatever form of beverage the machine can't make. For me it was the affogato, and although I briefly considered also pushing for an ice-cream fridge, the coffee break was so much simpler. Besides, I don't even know what's in some of the coffee's and teas out there but you can be sure I'll want it if I can't get it in the lab. What's Lapsang Souchong? No idea but if a coffee shop's got it I have to check it out.
6. Run out of things to talk about on coffee break. No one can stand a break without conversation right? - Sorry everyone, but through much investigation I have discovered that it doesn't matter how inane the conversation, it will fit right in at coffee time. Things you would never discuss at any other time become perfectly acceptable. Should Jeniffer Aniston cut her bangs? I don't even know what bangs are and I hate Friends but you can bet I'll have an opinion. The power of the mustache in cricket? Any topic is fair game, no matter how mind numbing or seemingly random.
7. Do thesis work on coffee break - For starters, your lab mates would likely kill you for even suggesting it. Secondly, how could you work on your thesis when your mates are discussing the life altering question, "Potato chips - crinkled or uncrinkled?".
8. Drink so much coffee you become sick of it - Somewhat foolishly I actually tried this one. I got an incredible buzz going and managed to write more pages of my thesis than ever before. Unfortunately each page was just the phrase I am a fish written over and over again but at the time I thought it was gold. And coming down later? Indisputable proof that no amount of willpower can cause you to spontaneously die to overcome the mother of all headaches.
9. Start up a blog that wastes time so you can't afford to go for coffee - What am I doing revealing my secret? Actually this is a fatally flawed plan. Laptops are portable and Internet hot-spots plentiful. Plus when it comes to choosing between more typing for a blog or my old friend coffee, there's no competition.
10. Campaign to have coffee banned as a menace to society - Seems a little extreme huh? Well as we've seen our other options are looking pretty weak right now. The government wants us to complete on time right? With a Howard government who knows what's possible? Just convince him that coffee funds pinko communists or something. Ah who am I kidding, we'd just end up in a prohibition style culture with illegal coffee speakeasy's everywhere. I can see it now, late night seedy bars with burlesque shows, hot jazz and a new form of hooch. Hmmm, actually this idea could have merit...

It's at this point that you're probably realizing that I have no real answers to this problem (aside from becoming a coffee baron in a new era of prohibition), and you'd be right. I'm still a willing slave to sweet sweet caffeine, and I still loose way too much time on my thesis to the menace of the coffee break. If any readers have any successful methods for avoiding this menace, or amusing stories of failed attempts, post them up for all to see. One day we may have a solution to this scourge. Until then, embrace coffee like an old friend, and have a cup for me.

Gimme three fingers of java... See, the speakeasy idea could be cool :)

8:30am - 1 double espresso to get things started

10:00am - Initial coffee buzz gone, recharge with long black

12:00  - Lunch time, 1 affogato because I'm feeling indulgent

2:00pm - After lunch sleepiness, counter with strong long black

4.00pm - Must reach end of day... 1 Very Strong long black 

Realising I've spent 85% of a day either drinking or waiting for coffee - PRICELESS 

Ok let's get one thing straight, I love my coffee. I worship coffee. I can easily attribute 75% of my thesis progress directly to the wonder of this caffeinated delight. So why am I calling coffee the new black death? Coffee breaks. That's right, coffee breaks. Couple a number of tired, stressed out research students with the flexibility to take breaks whenever you need to and you have a recipe for disaster. The timetable above represents my day last Wednesday. A typical day in thesis land, I had decided for the 912th time that today I would get some real work done and thus needed the assistance of my friend and constant companion, caffeine. What's the problem you might ask? Lab mates.

Each lab mate also possesses the unavoidable urge to consume copious amounts of caffeine based stimulation in the pursuit of progress on the thesis, and I cannot begrudge that need. The coffee itself is not the problem, merely the catalyst. For as soon as anyone in the lab says "I'm going for coffee", it doesn't matter when your last coffee was, or how well you were working, you will suddenly feel like crap, and decide that a coffee is definitely in order. Through extensive research I have discovered that the average coffee break clocks in at 30 minutes, with very few shorter than 15, and a worrying number pushing the hour mark. Coffee breaks have been know to generate conversations on topics as random as the moral bankruptcy of modern day pop music to the important task of rating the attractiveness of every employee of the University Club. There is only one rule, DO NOT DISCUSS THE THESIS!

This is eminently sensible of course, we're on break don't you know? Of course when time spent on coffee breaks exceeds time spent in the lab, this is a problem. A seemingly insurmountable problem because the last time I tried to talk "shop" at a coffee break I was threatened with physical violence by my lab mates, and indeed even the thought of talking about work whilst on break caused me physical pain. Something about the coffee break context makes discussions of the relative merits of the different James Bond's perfectly acceptable, but anything about real work a crime.

Let's look at the problem more closely. In most work environments everyone takes the same breaks throughout the day and so coffee break time is carefully managed. In the thesis world, students pop in and out of the lab/office randomly. What does this mean? I cannot count the number of times I have returned from a coffee break to have another student arrive, try to start work and realise they need a coffee. Do you think the coffee I just had would be enough to stop me nodding wholeheartedly in agreement? You see the problem...

So coffee for postgraduate students is the new black death. It will suck away the working hours, trap you into conversations about Scrubs or the OC and create a merry-go-round of café attendance. So what can be done to save ourselves from the Black Death? That's for another post my friends. Until then, be afraid, be very afraid...

Greetings fellow researcher. In stumbling upon my blog, no doubt accidentally whilst engaged in important thesis  work, you have found the world wide web's only tribute to that malign force that works against thesis submission, the Vortex of Inactivity. It is this insidious force that drags you to coffee break after coffee break, that causes you to fall asleep on your keyboard, or even hide under your desk when you hear the dreaded steps of a supervisor. That's right my friends, it is not your fault that days go by without significant progress, rather it is the influence of a force that takes delight in your suffering, that chuckles at unmet deadlines, delights in never-ending student poverty and mocks your attempts to resist its power.

This force is cunning, and takes many forms. For one day we might face the seductive siren's call of "lab socialization" and the next we struggle with the realization that we could all be driving SAAB's and drinking Cognac if only we'd got a "real" job. The Vortex will suck you into inactivity with fear, seduction, intimidation, despair and any other dastardly tactic it can, all to watch you rail against the unfairness of it all, desperately hoping for the time when you can get "Dr." on your credit card.

This blog will serve two purposes, firstly to feed the Vortex with my blogging fueled procrastination, hopefully temporarily pleasing it and letting me sneak a completion past. Secondly, I hope to unravel the secrets, tricks and lies that fuel the Vortex so that one day each of you might break free, submit a thesis and be able to answer the question "Is there a doctor here?" with "YES!.. but not a useful one".

Stay tuned for the first true installment of the Vortex, where we unravel the mystery of the Un-ending coffee break, one of the single most dangerous threats to thesis completion known to humankind. Can it be thwarted, or is caffeine addiction an inevitability? Keep an eye on the Vortex to find out...